When I moved across the country 2 1/2 years ago I left about 10 boxes and a keyboard at a former lovers’ house, vowing to someday return for it. I actually thought I would move back home at the time, but things aren’t turning out that way so after much trial and tribulation, I arranged for a gentleman to bring them here through the magic of Craigslist.

Now, suddenly my living room has exploded into a littered ocean of my former life possessions. Some of them recall fond nostalgia from the past, others recall bad fashion trends, soured relationships and unnecessary trinkets of tourism.

Most of this stuff I can deal with. I will give it away, sell it or cram it onto my existing bookshelves. But increasingly I’m finding items for which I have no acceptable home. Things I don’t want, but are somewhat valuable, and cannot be sold through ordinary channels. For example:

1. Patton leather platform dominatrix boots

2. So-called “tobacco water pipes”

3. Perfectly good small *herbs and spices* scale.

4. 1996 Playboy vintage reprint of the 1953 Marilyn Monroe Edition

5. Various accessories for the exploratory sapphic relationship

6. Graphic Hentai/Manga novels. And by graphic, I mean “Capital G Graphic”. They are all in Japanese, so I don’t even know what they say.

These are just the beginning of my problems, dear reader. “Cleaning out the closet”, as it were, is a painful process – in my case, a reminder of my brash and waning youth. I want to get rid of things such as the above, but how? They ban listings for such things on Ebay, believe me I’ve tried. I guess I could try utilizing the magic of Craigslist again, but I feel like I will be waiting a long time for those platform boots to sell. What’s a girl with a sordid past to do?

What I should really do is pack up my questionable items and take them to the Harbor Lights homeless shelter downtown. Now there is a group of gentleman and, perhaps, ladies of the night who would appreciate the accessories of my former life. Actually, that’s not a terrible idea. It would make for one hell of a Valentine’s Day care-package, that’s for sure.